1976 - ∞

1976 - ∞ i just need to get a few things off my chest because it's been a week and i don't feel any better, only worse. it's the worst kind of pain i've known. when was the last time for me to blubber like a baby and so loud and hysterically????? somewhere in 2010 probably. the world seems so dull, deaf and mute now. nothing is the same anymore. everything is contradictory and incompatible. i'm devastated. yet i feel that a huge part of my heart was ripped out. and this wound terribly aches and bleeds. how can i be like this at the same time? you cried for help all these 20 years and especially this year. yet just as you sang nobody paid enough attention to realize all the pain you experienced. i never realized the pain you were in.. i never realized how much you were suffering. it's tragic. and it's depressing that the fans bitched to bring the old school linkin park. but... the lyrics have always been written in the same way- unbearably heartbreaking but nobody cares about the lyrics, right? because all these people need is only the sound (ironically these are the same people who make memes of linkin park being a mainstream and a commercial band). but with calmer sound the lyrics get your attention more. it was a damn death note. yet nobody listened. honestly, the more i think about it, the more i agree with the opinion, that it were the fans who "killed" chez. and i can't stop weeping. isn't it what always happens? those, who should have been eternally grateful to him, in the end destroyed him. i still don't believe and i can't accept that this is what has happened. it feels like some dumb and evil joke. i still hope so badly that i go to bed and when i'll wake up i find out that it was all just a terrible dream. but the morning does not bring any release and i weep. i continue to uncontrollably sobbing like a child every day. me in the morning: my eyes are burning and i have no more tears to shed. me sobbing in public a few hours later: bitch you thought. i went shopping today and caught sight of 19th of july as the date of manufacture. god i wish i died that day. i wish it were me who died but not chez. i know such thoughts are dangerous and wrong. and those who can't relate to it will laugh and think it's meme and dumb and ridiculous. but this is how i feel all this week for sure. i never felt so horrible in my entire life. it takes a lot of strength to push myself to do stuff. and not to concentrate my mind entirely on how unfair is that such a beautiful angel and the strongest and the bravest struggler suffered so much. you meant so much to so many people. your music helped millions overcome the horrors of their lives. and helped them battle the demons that plagued them. how come no one could help you? what a voice, what a soul, what a wonderful and great human being with a beautiful heart. brave, strong, expressive, talented, funny, passionate, kind, emotional, hardworking, compassionate, stubborn, extremely vulnerable. and you wore your heart of gold on the sleeve. you burned so bright and was unable to learn to spare yourself. we never deserved you chez. and we are punished for not appreciating you as much as you were worth it. i love you and miss you so badly. in the end you have always mattered. and it matters that you made it for so long. every day that you lived and struggled and survived and won. every day matters. every single one of those days matters. i'll try to be less selfish and a bit kinder person. it's the best that i can do in honor of the man who for many many years saved the lives of so many people, but not his own. farewell, chester, we will love you forever. the brightest light also had the darkest shadows. you burned quickly but burned very brightly. rest in peace, power and paradise beautiful soul and legend.